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My biggest challenge and worst enemy is
myself me and only me. The reasons is because, I know what I am capable of and I know how to manipulate that also, I can argue
with myself till I fail I can tell myself tomorrow is another day and not follow thru with it, I am the one who chooses which
attitude I will have for that day or which attitude I will have to handle the situations that are thrown at me that day, that
scares. I cannot blame anyone else for my outcomes.
At times I
feel battered and a little bruised, there may have been hurtful conversations and pointless words exchanged. I have pushed
my own selfishness and conceit on others. I have interrupted and interjected and fought and cried against the most blinding,
obvious realization staring me in the face. There are things about me that need some work.I need to fix me, or at least work on me and I know that, but I also know it requires being
patient and humble and honest with myself. It requires that I face my reflection in the mirror instead of pointing fingers
back.
It
will take some serious maturity to be able to say, “You’re right. I am too judgmental, I am too demanding,”
instead of, “What about you? What about that judgment you passed on complete strangers last week?”
and so the route of blaming outside of myself and numbing up to my own actions seems that much easier. In my weakness I want
to take it.
But if
I do that, if all I do is curl knuckles into fists, I miss the mark. I miss that opportunity to become vulnerable and truthful,
to exercise the wiggle room God gives me to either take the wide and trampled path or the narrow, steep one.
And that's
the kicker: when asked. Jesus said, “Ask and ye shall receive.” Yet some of us think that asking for help somehow
makes us "less". Like we should "know it all already". Well, in a sense, that belief is both true and
false. I do know it all already, because I have within me the source of all knowledge… and it does not
make me "less" to ask for help. I simply need to ask, to connect, to tune in, to listen.
Sometimes
I feel I would have preferred my wife not address some of my deep flaws because, frankly, it’s overwhelming and cutting
at first. But then again, isn’t that accountability just another role she should fill in my life? Shouldn’t we
be fearless to tell each other in love what we see that needs repairing?
Sometimes I notice that when life gets difficult, I can get caught up in the difficulty of it all.
Instead of watching it, seeing it as I would see a spiraling pool of water gently turning a fallen autumn leave for a while.
It's when I breathe that I realized within myself that there always comes a time when the autumn leaf is released to the flow
of the river, just as there is always a time where my "difficulty" breaks, and I feel the flow of life again.
Today is an entirely new day because I get to practice what I can be
like without my flaws. I can rehearse what my appropriate response will be to situations that arise until I am no longer rehearsing,
but living. Living free from contempt and guilt and judgment and gossip and instead living in grace and peace and contentment.
"The truth is that our finest moments are most
likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled
by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
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