Making an Apology

When you say or do something that upsets or harms someone else, the three words, “I am sorry” can save you a lot of time and prevent a lot of problems. It is of course important that you have a good intention and that you understand for yourself what the other person did to contribute to the problem. If someone feels hurt, telling this person that he or she is wrong for feeling that way will cause further upset and diminish trust. Empathizing instead can diminish conflict and built trust. Apologizing is hard because some people feel as if apologizing is degrading, or it implies a negative intention on their part. Remember that nobody is perfect and that mistakes are part of learning. The concern is not what our intentions are but what the impact of our behavior is on others. The rule is that is if anyone is hurt, uncomfortable, or left out, that is important. It is not our job to change those feelings, but it is our job to apologize for anything we may have done or failed to do that led to those feelings. Four Elements of a Genuine Apology  Apologizing never has been easy, and it never will be. Admitting when you're wrong can be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do. But despite the difficulty, it's important to let the person whom you've hurt or offended know that you are sorry...and sincerely sorry at that.  The word "apologize" better captures the sense that you have done something wrong and are willing to make it right. Four elements of apology are Taking responsibility for your actions: Above all else, people want to see you own your mistakes. Although we’re only at step one, this is a crucial moment because it sets the tone and creates the momentum for your entire sincere apology. When you’re on the other end receiving a sincere apology, is this not the crux for you, the instant of satisfaction, when that person becomes accountable and admits to precisely what he did wrong? As an expression of repentance, of true regret or remorse, this step matters more than all the rest when you make a sincere apology. You can best achieve this repentance by using a simple, straightforward sentence that uses two magic words -- I’m sorry. After you’ve uttered those humbling words, address what you did in concise terms. That should be it. Do not add the feelings you think you incited in the other person (“I’m sorry you misunderstood me” or “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”); doing so shifts blame away from you, which is the opposite of taking responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge the damage done means to "admit the fact or truth of." When you acknowledge the damage done by a wrong, you demonstrate an awareness of the consequences of your offense. Acknowledging the repercussions: You wouldn’t need to make a sincere apology if your actions hadn’t resulted in some nasty repercussions.  Here you’ll concede to these repercussions with as much objectivity as you can muster. That objectivity is the key; it shows that you’ve been able to get past your ego and any residual defensive posturing to confront your mistake with an unimpeachably honest assessment, one with which no one can disagree. Whatever you do, once again, do not make assumptions about how the other person is feeling, even if you’re certain that they’re accurate. To avoid this, don’t add any qualifying clauses; they often begin with “if” (“I’m sorry if you got offended”) or “but” (“Sorry about losing my temper, but sometimes you piss me off”). Doing so entirely negates your efforts. Asking for forgiveness: Asking for forgiveness is so much more powerful than just saying I'm sorry. In relationships, asking someone to forgive you acknowledges that damage has been done to the relationship and that some healing needs to take place. It can also begin to bridge the gap between two people that the damage has caused. While the first two steps require a real dose of humility, step three does not -- but its language suggests otherwise. Keep in mind that asking for forgiveness is not always the most appropriate move, since most people receive it when the make a sincere apology. What people really want to know is what you’re going to do to correct the situation, aka your screw up. In the next example, forgiveness makes sense. If you do request it, do so without putting a time frame on it. Don’t insist on an answer (“Do you forgive me?”), instead give them some mixture of humility and flexibility:  “I’m sorry I said those things about your mother. They were uncalled for and I should never have let my anger get the better of me. I hope that you’ll forgive me.”This example is simple and unassuming, but take caution in your phrasing. The contrary would read like, “maybe someday you’ll be able to forgive me,” which actually says, I’m worthy of it -- the question is whether you have it in you to forgive me. When you make a sincere apology, it isn’t the time to impose some moral duty; it’s the time to throw out that hope of forgiveness without implying any demands. Committing to not doing it again: A complete and genuine apology requires a commitment to not let it happen again. Saying I'm sorry is easy. What would you think if your best friend stood you up for lunch, was sorry and then did it again and then again? Would you believe your friend was genuinely sorry? Of course not. You might even consider finding new friends. And learn to resist the urge to qualify your sincere apology further -- shut up, don’t say another word, and allow the matter end, then and there. Genuine apology can melt away hurt, anger and resentment and begin to reconnect you with the other person.  MAKING A GOOD APOLOGY Find words that are clear and accurate—not provocative. A good apology should make the person wronged think, "Yes, she understands." Often what the offended person wants is accountability and vigilance; he wants to know that it won't happen again.·           Don't apologize for the wrong thing. People and institutions tend to apologize for what they find forgivable. If there is no clear relationship between what the offender is apologizing for and what the offended experienced as the original wrong, the apology actually exacerbates the problem. At best, the offender will seem blind to the problem; at worst, he will be perceived as intentionally distorting it. That gives the offended two problems: the original offense and the sense that a similar offense is likely to occur. The offended party thinks, "How can I accept this apology? It makes me appear to be complicit in allowing the problem to happen again." Consider the angle of approach. Decide whether it will be easier for you to apologize position to position or person to person. Choose the approach that is easier for you to do well. That will save you from making an apology that is so grudging that it fails. Don't think in terms of an "expression of regret." Instead, your goal should be actually communicating your regret, that is, getting it across to the other person. Expression is one sided—as though one were getting an apology off one's chest. Communication, however, occurs between people, and an apology needs to work well for the other person to be effective. Take the focus off yourself and keep it on your counterpart and the three elements of an apology—acknowledgment, regret, and responsibility. That protects you from sounding defensive, and your apology will be better received. "I want to apologize" is not an apology. It's no more an apology than "I want to lose weight" is a loss of weight. Do the work. Deliver a clear, direct apology; don't hide behind vagueness, circumlocution, or clichés.You may not be able to control whether your apology is accepted, but you can control its quality. So make every effort to control what you can. This will increase your chances of feeling good about what you have done with your apology—instead of feeling bad about having to do it.	Your apology can be easily accepted if you: Are real and honest. If you're trying to fake your way through an apology, people will see right through it and it will only make the situation worse. Stay calm. If you can maintain your composure and be kind about it, instead of getting all riled up once again, it will just show what strong character you have. Offer up reconciliation. Suggest putting the situation behind and moving forward as friends. More often than not, people have a hard time arguing with that. Forgive and ask forgiveness. An apology doesn't mean much if you can't simply say "forgive me." And if you're still harboring bitterness about the whole thing, you need to forgive the other person in order to make the apology even valid. Get over it.&  Forget it. Don't resent the situation or the person, don't get bitter. What's in the past is past. Let's all move on. There are two reasons people apologize. First, to make themselves feel better. All you need to do is to be willing to admit that you made a mistake. It is usually out of guilt and for one person's benefit. The second type of apology is out of a genuine concern for the other person's feelings and empathy. The concern is for both people or parts involved, not just for you. This type of apology facilitates forgiveness and heals relationships. TIGER WOODS' APOLOGY  "For all that I have done, I am so sorry." Apologies matter for two reasons: First, they mend relationships. When an offense has torn the fabric of a relationship, an apology is a stage in its repair. Second, apologies mend the transgressor's reputation. Following an offense, some people—not just the offended but all who know about the affront—may have concerns and doubts about the transgressor and even question his character. An effective apology can reassure people that the transgression is understood and not likely to be repeated. Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me. Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in. I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say. Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us. I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues. But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them. I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation and kids all around the world who admired me. I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity. I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry. It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction. As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife. Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them. However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter to school and report the school's location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone. I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That's where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught. As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today. In therapy, I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me -- my marriage and my children. That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me. I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course. Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. Thank you.