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Is John dead?
I
was sound asleep and at 10:30 in the morning the door bell rang. Two Alabama State Troopers stood at the door. My parents
had already left for work, so I was concerned that they were in an accident. The troopers came in, used the phone to call
my parents’ bosses, then they handed me a wallet. The wallet belonged to my brother, John kamau. I then asked the hardest
question I have ever asked in my life, “Is John dead?” At that point, I felt like I was standing
outside of myself, almost dreamlike. The older trooper then said “Yes, he is.” I felt like then and still do now that the whole scene
was in slow motion. The troopers quickly left. I can’t remember much about the rest of that day or the
days that followed. I only remember bits and pieces about the funeral. I just know that the day John died, was the worst day
of my life. The days that followed were full of activity and planning. My mom wanted the family to be involved,
if we wanted to be. We wanted John to be remembered for his football and his zest for life. His friends became involved and
did teammates in football and many were pallbearers. I wish there was some way that I could thank them for all that they did
for us. Almost immediately after the funeral, my sister returned to her home about 4 ½ hours away. One
important lesson I have learned throughout this whole ordeal is that everyone grieves differently. My sister’s way of
dealing with John’s death was to leave. I envied her in a way because she didn’t have to deal with the sadness
every day. Now I realize that she dealt with John’s death, she just had to do it alone. I am nowhere near over this. I
probably never will be. The only thing I can do is to not take life for granted and understand what a precious gift life is.
Each day is a new adventure on this roller coaster of grief. The only thing that we can do is to continue to get up each day
and maybe try to share a smile. When people ask me how I am, I can honestly say I am okay. I don’t feel that I will
ever be able to say that I am great again, but who knows. I never thought I could say I was okay. Sure, I have good days and
bad days. Sometimes the bad ones outnumber the good ones, but I just have to believe that there is a good day out there with
my name on it. We are surviving siblings and we must try to survive the best way we can.
Lastly
we can be assured that always sadness and sorrow is for the night but there is a day coming, a morning when joy shall come.
No more sorrows, no more tears. Jesus the sun of righteousness will be with us for ever.
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