|
Forgiving is not Forgetting
Forgiving and forgetting are as different as
the will is from the intellect. Forgiveness demands choice, demands commitment, demands decisive action. We have all seen
those who say they have forgiven, yet all ire, all vindictiveness, all distrust remains. This person has not forgiven. Her
words of forgiveness were hollow. It has been said that faith without works is dead. But is faith really the sort of thing
that can be dead? Surely, this is just a way of saying that one whose works reveal no faith is, indeed, faithless. Likewise,
vindictive forgiveness can be no forgiveness at all.
This is not to say that forgiveness requires the absence of all negative
emotion. That must be mistaken. It does, however, require us to act in opposition to how those emotions would have us act.
Surely we are hurt when a friend betrays our trust. This pain would have us no longer share the secrets of our hearts with
her. If we choose to forgive, we continue to speak to them in confidence, despite the fact that our pain lingers and bids
us not to. And how wonderful! The pain that wishes to silence us is itself silenced when our friend proves again to be worthy
of all trust.
The
difference between forgive and forget...a terrible disagreement can occur between two people who have been friends for many
years and there were cruel words spoken that caused considerable pain and hurt to each of the people. They finally get together
and apologize and they each ask for forgiveness and they want to remain friends. The forgiveness is given but their memory
will never forget the words that hurt them the most regardless of what they try to do to make amends.
Words that
are often spoken can never be taken back once they are said to a person and the person will always remember those words. We
can forgive people, but yes, sometimes it is hard to forget.
Understand that your mind will never allow you to truly "forget" a transgression or grievance against another
person. Forgiveness is giving yourself permission to get on with your life in spite of the slight or the
overwhelming and unthinkable transgression into your domain. Biblically, we are called to forgive "seventy times
seven" which was not really the specific number is sounds like, but just means that you keep forgiving and keep forgiving.
But there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I don't think the two are in any way the same. There is also a
difference between forgiving and failing to hold someone accountable. So what does this mean on a practical level?
Forgiving someone is choosing to let go of anger, of resentment. Forgiving is restoring a person to a place of "grace"
or a position in which we remember that they are an equal child of God, worthy of God's grace, respect, love and the necessities
of life. Forgiving means choosing not to seek revenge. The death penalty is revenge, our prisons are mostly about revenge
- these are ways of punishing and have nothing to do with improving a person, or helping a person grow. They have no love
in them, no respect in them, and they certainly do not touch forgiveness.
Nevertheless, forgiving does not mean
failing to hold people accountable. Holding people accountable involves natural consequences of actions. If I loan you my
car and you destroy it, I will expect repayment. I will forgive the time without my car; I will forgive the loss of something
I care about. This is for you, but it is also for me. If I hold onto anger (and in some cases hate), I am being hurt again
and again. I have to let go of this for my own personal health as well as the recognition that we are all flawed and all need
grace and forgiveness. But in the face of that forgiveness, there are still consequences. I expect you to make reparations
in the form of replacing the car.
Chances are I will also not lend you my car again, not out of
a sense of revenge, but out of recognition that perhaps you don't have the gift of taking care of things. Therefore, forgiving
does not mean forgetting. But it does mean approaching the other with love, no matter what the other has done to "deserve"
otherwise.God commands that I forgive people. That I not
harbor animosity or ill will towards them for their actions. That is what I must do in order to obey God in these matters.
Now it would be nice to forget those things ever happened after I chose
to forgive, but in my experience that has proven to be something I am not necessarily in control of. Some people do repress
memories, or just deny them altogether. But the interesting thing to me is that God designed our mind to be able to recall
events. Not only that, our minds can recall events without us even trying to do so.
Many things can trigger memories. Certain words,
smells, locations (as in my case), people, etc. can all trigger both good and bad memories. It is important to work through
the traumatic events in such a way that these triggers do not paralyze you or cause harm to you in any way. I firmly believe
God has designed us this way for some important reasons. One is that we can learn to establish boundaries in our lives. If
you have ever put your hand on burning stove top you are less likely to ever do it again. Why? Because it hurt last time –
remember? If you were in a dysfunctional relationship with someone in your past, you will have to forgive that person for
their part, but the memories of the abuse or other negative issues you experienced can help you to make better choices about your next relationship. Another
reason I believe God allows us to remember our wounds is to teach us empathy. If we do not remember how it felt to be wronged
or sinned against by someone else, how can we relate to how others feel when they are treated the same way? Recently very important
people in my life have broken a trust in the relationship I had with them. It has been painful for me to hear the things said
to and about me by these people. First off, because of how important these people were to me. Second because of the length
of time I have known them. I do forgive them. I love them and want the best for their lives but the nature of our relationship
has changed dramatically due to this. I do not have the right to be bitter or resentful due to these situations. But I must
make decisions about the depth and expectations of these relationships going forward. Forgiveness is necessary but there can be value in not forgetting.
|
