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What forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is Not the Same As: - Forgetting:Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It did happen, and we need to retain
the lesson learned without holding onto the pain.
- Pardon: Forgiveness
is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.
- Reconciliation: Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about
whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.
- Condoning: Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the
past or in the future.
Forgiving and letting go can be very difficult challenges, but it’s even more stressful to
hold on to grudges. There are several symbolic letting-go rituals that can help with the process. If you are having trouble
forgiving someone else, write them a letter expressing all of your feelings and explaining why you need to let go. You don’t
need to mail that letter — it is cathartic just to write it all down. You can also write down all of your excess “baggage”
on a piece of paper and burn it or cast it into the sea in a bottle when you are ready to really let go.
Making the choice
to forgive can be a liberating practice. One that if practiced proactively can lead to a life filled with exquisite experiences.
It is imperative to remember that forgiveness is only possible because we have the ability to make choices. We have the choice
to forgive or not to forgive and no one can force us to do either. If we want to forgive someone no one can stop us no matter
how poorly the offender may have acted. This ability to forgive can be seen as an indication of the control we have over our
lives. It can be helpful to reflect upon and feel the respect afforded us to be able to make choices that can have such profound
implications. It is important to remember that the option to forgive implies that we had discretion
as to whether or not we took offense in the first place. While forgiving may be a difficult enough choice for many of us,
imagine how our lives would be if we rarely or never used our power of choice to take offense. Since we have choice, wouldn't
it make sense to limit the amount of times we are hurt or offended so that the need to forgive rarely if ever arises? The
ability to live life without taking offense, without giving blame to the offender when hurt, and by offering compassionate
understanding are choices that offer a life of great peace.The
ability to experience the power of forgiveness proceeds along four steps or stages. - At step one you
are filled with self justified anger. At some point in your life you have been wounded and you are mad at and/or
hurt by the person you feel wronged you. You blame the person committing the wrong for how you are feeling. It is their action
and not your choice of response that you determine to be the cause of your distress. You have forgotten that you have choices
as to how you can react, or you are so wounded that you are convinced that it would not be right to forgive the offense. At
this stage there is usually both active and submerged anger as well as a great deal of pain.
- After feeling upset
with someone for a while you realize that the hurt and anger do not feel good to you-Recognizing the Injustice. This includes mutually recognizing what happened, who did what,
what impact did it have and perhaps is continuing to have. It may be impacting your emotional balance
and/or physical health. Or you wish to repair the damage to the relationship. So you take steps to forgive. You may begin
to see the problem from the other person's point of view or you may simply decide to let the problem go. In either case, after
an extended period of time, you are no longer aggrieved and have forgiven the person with whom you were angry. This process
of forgiveness can be applied to anger at oneself, another person or to life in general.
- The third stage
of forgiveness comes after you have seen the results of forgiveness in action and you choose to let go of a new interpersonal
grievance fairly quickly. In this stage you choose to feel the hurt for a shorter period of time, and then work to
either repair the relationship or let go of seeing the situation as a problem. In either case you decide to forgive because
you have had some practice with it and see the clear benefit in your life. This could emerge in as simple a situation as being
cut off by another car on the expressway or in a complex situation like an affair in a marriage. At this stage of forgiveness
you are aware that the length of time you experience a situation as a grievance is primarily up to you.
- The fourth stage
of forgiveness involves the proactive choice to rarely if ever take offense in the first place. This means you are
prepared to forgive in advance of a specific trigger. This stage often emerges at the same time as some or all of the following
thoughts:
- I don't want to waste my precious life in the discomfort caused by anger or hurt so I will decide
to feel differently. I am able to forgive myself, forgive others, forgive life, and forgive God.
- I know how it hurts when
people don't forgive me. I do not want to hurt other people by my actions so I will perceive the problem in a way that I can
either deal with it or let it go.
- Life is filled with incredible beauty and wonder and I am missing these experiences
if I am stuck in the remembrance of old hurts or disappointments. I forgive myself for getting sidetracked.
- People
do the best they can and if they err the best way to help them is by offering understanding. The first step in this process
is to forgive whatever constituted the specific offense.
- Everyone, including myself operates primarily out of
self-interest. I must expect that some times I, in my self-interest, will be annoyed by some one else's expression of their
self-interest. If I can understand that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? If I understand
that self-interest is my guiding principle, how can I not offer forgiveness to everyone, including myself for behaving that
way?
These four steps to forgiveness will not be
followed in the same way by all people and in all relationships. There are some people for whom we feel such love that we
are almost always at stage four: open hearted and ready to forgive. There are other people for whom we feel so egregiously
hurt and our well of good will for them is so dry that we can spend years at stage one. What is critical to keep in mind is
the role of personal choice and the need to exercise that choice to forgive so that we can bring peace and healing into our
relationships and to ourselves.
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