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The
practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope,
peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It
also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. Dr.
Frederic Luskin, has proposed Nine Steps to Forgiveness. These are: - Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be
able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
- Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
No one else even has to know about your decision.
- Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily
mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness
can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience
less personally, and changing your grievance story."
- Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize
that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended
you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago.
- At the moment you feel upset practice the a simple
stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.
- Give up expecting things from
other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for
your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity
and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer when you demand these things occur when you do not have the power to make
them happen.
- Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through
the experience that has hurt you. I call this step finding your positive intention. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt
seek out new ways to get what you want.
- Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing
on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty
and kindness around you.
- Amend your grievance
story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive
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