What are some ways to make it easier to say no? Much of it is cognitive work. The first thing to do is to identify the emotional hooks or beliefs that are getting in your way. For example, if our friends want to borrow our favorite records to take to a party, what are the negative consequences we anticipate if we say no? Are we afraid they will never speak to us again? If we say no to our employer, do we fear being fired from our job? If we say no to a professor, do we anticipate getting a bad grade in the course?

Once you we have identified our catastrophic expectations, the next step is to restate them more realistically. For example, we might tell ourselves that if we say no, our friends will be disappointed not to be able to borrow our records, but our friendship is not contingent on this. Our friends will likely respect us more for having said no clearly. Our employer may not be happy about our not staying overtime, but it is reasonable to refuse when it is inconvenient for us. If we agree to do something we don’t want to do we will probably feel dissatisfied with ourselves. We may also feel angry and resentful at the other person.

Because our Christian upbringing have socialized us might be from early years to be acquiescent and compliant, saying no will undoubtedly be very difficult for us the first few times. To make it easier, we need to begin by saying no in some low risk situations where we are perfectly assured of our right to say no and with this practice we can build up confidence in ourselves and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when we may be feeling uncertain of ourselves inside. It is usually easier to say no to certain people than to others. These may be close friends or maybe strangers, church members or family.  We need to anticipate a situation we think will come up and practice what we will say.  We can rehearse saying no in a clear and direct way, being aware of our entire manner and tone of voice when we do so. In more difficult situations when we are unsure of what we want to say or how we want to say it, we could try giving ourselves time, by telling the other person – “can I think about it”? Then we can sort out what we feel and what our irrational beliefs and expectations are to our saying no.

If we have said no, but someone persists, like a broken record, not listening to our first no, we may need to persist in saying no. Are we simply the kind of people who gives in? Or do we tend to get angry? we may need to get their attention by touching them and saying – “you seem to be invested in getting us to agree, but we have said no and I really mean it”.Despite the messages many of us get from our families and churches when growing up about being accommodating and going out of our way for others, it is important to realize that there is healthy selfish behavior.  We have a right to say no and feel good about it. As we attend to our own feelings and needs we will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.