FRIENDS TO AVOID

By Danson Mwaniki

The Promise Breaker: This friend constantly disappoints you or breaks promises, most likely because he was constantly disappointed during his formative years. Your friend is unable to stop himself from repeating that pattern. It is an annoying but comfortable pattern for your friend, and without psychological help, it may be hard for him to alter this pattern. You could abandon the friend and the friendship, or you could find a way to detach yourself by lowering your expectations for this friendship. If he promises to do something for you, even to meet you for a cup of coffee, you can say, "Sure," but protect yourself by knowing, in the back of your mind, that this friend "nine times out of 10" is going to cancel on you.
The Double-crosser: This negative friend betrays you big-time. It could happen when someone does something to hurt you, such as spreading a malicious rumor about you. Or it could be an emotional double-cross; for example, when a close or best friend stops speaking to you and you never find out why.
The Self-absorbed: Certainly the Self-absorbed is a tamer type of negative friend than the Risk-taker. Still, especially over the long haul, a friend who does not make the time to listen to you will eat away at your self-esteem. For you to feel good about yourself, and for your friendship to thrive, you have to be more than a sounding board. The Self-absorbed does not care; he listens to you only because he is waiting to speak.
The Discloser: When you say to this friend, "This is just between us," he nods his head but unfortunately that promise will last only as long as it takes him to get to his phone or e-mail. Although there should be an assumption of confidentiality and trust between friends, this friend can't help himself. Telling this person a secret makes him feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Like the game "hot potato," he has to pass the hot secret along to someone else in order to relieve the anxiety knowing the secret made him feel. There are also some Disclosers who simply have a big mouth. If someone you know has this personality trait, avoid telling him your innermost secret -- unless you don't mind if it's shared with the world.
The Competitor: A little bit of competition is healthy and to be expected. An appropriate amount of competition will motivate and stimulate. But too much competition between friends starts to destroy the friendship. One of the primary ingredients in a positive friendship is that one or both friends feel that they can be "themselves" and that they don't have to put on airs or impress one another. Competition implies a race in which one wins and the other loses; those conditions are quite the opposite of what someone typically expects in a positive friendship, especially a close or best one.
The Fault-finder: Nothing you do, say, or wear is good enough for this overly critical friend. The Fault-finder was probably raised by extremely judgmental parents who were also rearing equally hypercritical siblings. Being criticized during his formative years laid the groundwork for an overly critical adult. It's a hard trait to reverse, and your friend may even be unaware that he is so critical or that it annoys and upsets you so much. Before labeling this type of friendship as hopelessly destructive, you might want to see if your friend could recognize this excessively derogatory behavior and, with time and help, change that orientation.