Issues in Our Marriages

OUR MARRIAGE ISSUES ARE INTERNAL NOT EXTERNAL

(MATTHEW 19:8)

Among the Pharisees, two differing opinions about the legitimate grounds for divorce fell behind two prominent teachers (aka "sages" aka "rabbis") who were contemporaries (or perhaps a little before) with Jesus' ministry, Shammai and Hillel. Shammai and his followers interpreted the expression to refer to gross indecency, though not necessarily adultery. Hillel extended the meaning beyond sin to all kinds of real or imagined offenses, including an improperly cooked meal.

The goal of the Pharisees in this discussion is to get Jesus to choose sides. "So Jesus, who's right on this issue?" Jesus, the master teacher, points out, "Neither of you is correct!" In fact, he points out that the model for marriage is Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." The provision for divorce was provided in the law by Moses because of a rejection of God's plan. In other words, Deuteronomy 24:1-4 addressed man's shortcoming of sin.

The Pharisees were desirous of drawing something from Jesus which they might represent as contrary to the law of Moses. Cases about marriage have been numerous, and sometimes perplexed; made so, not by the law of God, but by the lusts and follies of men; and often people fix what they will do, before they ask for advice. Jesus replied by asking whether they had not read the account of the creation, and the first example of marriage; thus pointing out that every departure there from was wrong.

That condition is best for us, and to be chosen and kept to accordingly, which is best for our souls, and tends most to prepare us for, and preserve us to, the kingdom of heaven. When the gospel is really embraced, it makes men kind relatives and faithful friends; it teaches them to bear the burdens, and to bear with the infirmities of those with whom they are connected, to consider their peace and happiness more than their own. As to ungodly persons, it is proper that they should be restrained by laws, from breaking the peace of society. And we learn that the married state should be entered upon with great seriousness and earnest prayer.

WE NATURALLY HAVE SELFISH AMBITIONS- JAMES 3: 14-16

The visual this passage gave me was of two people in a rowboat, each rowing with no regard to the other. The rowboat simply spins in a circle, never moving forward. I see this passage as saying that envy and selfishness can create in our lives disorder that, like the rowboat, causes us to circle aimlessly.

Our personal lives benefit from a living relationship with Christ through the Holy Spirit. So it is also with our married lives. Building a foundation of prayer within a marriage strengthens it, brings the power of prayer into a marriage and allows God to work together with the couple. Earthly wisdom in a marriage produces Envy/Selfish ambition/Earthy thinking/Unspiritual thinking/Demonic activity/Disorder/Evil practices. Christianity is one of those rare religions that marries internal reality with outward obedience.

Envy- {The Greek means to look at closely with a malicious intent. It is applied as a characteristic of an unredeemed life} In a marriage envy can take two directions:When we envy our spouse it leads to a hardness of our heart towards their success and failure. Our marriage looses the servant heart of Christ in it. When a spirit of envy is evident in a marriage, the team work ends. There is also a chance of isolationism by the couple who envies others and shuts down hearing from the Lord for vision.

Selfish Ambition-{to be self-seeking and always looking out for one’s own interests above the interests of anyone else. The Greek word for selfish ambition is eritheia, the use of deceit and trickery to promote oneself} In a marriage selfish ambition works in direct opposition to the covenant of marriage founded in agape love. Instead of 100% giving with no return anticipated or desired, selfish ambition is all about getting the reward.

WE GET DISTRACTED BY THE ATTRACTIONS OF THIS WORLD- MARK 4:19

Our lives are filled with attractions and distractions that are good and bad. The problem with most of society is the bad influences that attract us to the will of the flesh or distract us from the will of God. All attractions and distractions don’t have to be inherently bad.

Good things, just as well as bad things, can be an attraction that becomes a distraction for us to do the will of God. And inversely, bad things, just as well as good things, can be a distraction that becomes an attraction to us from doing the will of God. It has nothing to do with whether it’s good or bad, the sin is that if it draws us away from the will of God by attraction or distraction. For example, money can be a blessing, but if money becomes your attraction for serving God, it will soon become a distraction to serving Him with your whole heart. Jesus warns His disciples in Matthew 6:24, “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” When money becomes an attraction to us it distracts us away from the work that God has called us to do.

We should have our focus or affections on the things of God that will by the power of the Holy Spirit attract us to Him that will distract us away from the things of the world.So many negative things have become a distraction in the church becoming an attraction to those that are not grounded in the word of God. Jesus encourages us, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. “ Don’t let things distract us keeping us from being attracted to the kingdom of God.

Love and lust can be confusing at times mistaking one for the other. Love attracts for all the right reasons, but lust attracts only for selfish reasons. Many fall in lust instead of falling in love that started off as the center of attraction that will later turn into a distraction because what you thought was love was only lust. True love, no matter if it’s phileo or agape, will always be attractive because it’s not build on selfish desires. True love always considers the other before it considers self. The wrong kind of love can be as much of a distraction as it was an attraction. Lust can cause you to be fooled quickly by its power of attraction. It can get you distracted from true love causing you to go head-over-heels for the wrong thing.

Attractions become distractions that cause us to take our eyes off Christ and put them on our own agenda rather than His. Have your ever stared at something so long until it caused you to forget what you were doing? This means that whatever you were attracted to was so powerful that it caused you to be distracted from everything else. They call it “daydreaming” - the condition of being so lost in solitary thought as to be unaware of one's surroundings! Our biggest battle is within! We don’t need other folks to get us distracted! So attracted by thought that they are totally distracted from what is going on around them!

The problem with church folks is that we can’t get that attracted to doing God’s work until we get distracted away from the world. It’s always the other way around! When was the last time that you got so attracted at reading your Bible that it distracted you from watching TV? When was the last time that you became so attracted by the needs of someone else that it distracted you from your own needs? If we would do this it would keep us from fighting among ourselves thinking about interests of others rather than our own interests!- MAY GOD HELP US.

WE CAN GET DECEIVED BY THE LIES OF THE DEVIL: JOHN 8:44

The devil is a liar! He wants to detour you from the presence of God and he’s willing to do any and everything to do that. He wants to get you to a point where you throw in the towel and step back from the Lord. The devil uses “lies” to great effect. What helps his lies is that people want to believe them. The human heart is evil and so people want excuses to be let off their own responsibilities. The devil’s lies are often quickly taken up, to justify selfish choices in life. The devil sows many toxic ideas into people’s minds regarding their marriage. The ideas usually appeal to human selfishness. 3 of these lies are:

THE WEDDING LIE: “I married the WRONG person” – You’ve got to be kidding! Your spouse only seems wrong because they rub up your selfishness and challenge your character. God did not create one “right” person for you. Instead, He created a relationship that is very resilient and able to be enjoyed with any one of gazillion spouses. “I DESERVE better than this” – Do you really want what you deserve? I certainly don’t. When we compare you to God’s holiness, what you “deserve” may be far worse than anything you have ever been through!
THE FEELING LIE: “SOMEONE ELSE would make me happier” – How incredibly selfish of you! Your happiness is what you are demanding. And guess what! By being selfish you will be impossible to make happy. You are the principal obstacle to your own happiness!
THE DENIAL LIE:

“EVEN GOD could not fix my marriage” – Nothing is impossible to God. You just want an excuse to selfishly have your way.
“ADULTERY has ended this marriage” – Millions of marriages survive adultery! Jesus Christ pointed to “hardness of heart” as the reason marriages break-up after adultery. When the offended party refuses to forgive, THAT is what ends the marriage. Don’t blame it on adultery!
“God just wants me to be HAPPY” – God wants you to be HOLY and that will bring happiness. If you are a happiness junkie, you will never find the joy your heart longs for. Be Holy. Happiness will follow.
“MY SITUATION is unique” – You don’t have a clue what other people have been through. Your situation is as fixable as anything God has to deal with.

FINALLY WE CAN END UP THROWING AWAY OUR CONFIDENCE AND GIVE UP: HEBREWS 10:35-36

True issues in marriage are usually a matter of the heart. When you harden your heart against your mate, you begin to disconnect or push each other away. When this continues for months or years, often both of you decide that the relationship will no longer work. Don’t be so quick to throw in the towel. Don’t Give Up! It is never easy to face marital problems and deal with the pain and wounds that have been inflicted. But if couples are willing to stay and tough it out, they can usually restore the marriage and be happier than before. You only need to surrender the relationship to God. You actually need to surrender yourselves and your marriage to God. Choose to humble ourselves first before God, and then secondly, seek a restorative plan in the marriage that honors God, honors your mate, and puts the relationship above whatever issue you are going through in the marriage.

In Matthew’s Gospel, chapter nineteen we read how some teachers of the Law, Pharisees, came to Jesus to test him, by asking him if divorce was lawful under all circumstances. What were the conditions? What legal procedures did you have to follow? When was it permissible? Jesus answered them by quoting from Genesis, “…at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

To these religious teachers Jesus said, “Hey, don’t you guys know this?” Jesus really admonishes us in these few verses to beware of focusing on the wrong thing. Don't think about how to break down this foundational relationship! Focus instead on how God brings a man and a woman together, and gives them the glue to stay together, for a lifetime!God has given specific principles about the functioning of the family unit, as He designed it.

These principles are timeless and practical if His directions are followed carefully. We will cover three categories: foundational principles, dimensional principles, and functional principles.

There are three foundational principles for Christian marriage (Gen. 2:24--25).

These three foundational principles are the basis for all healthy marital communication and adjustment.

The principle of permanence: "leave and cleave." Don't get married with your fingers crossed. Start with the perspective, "till death do us part." This commitment to permanence gives couples an important foundation for the marital adjustments that will be necessary. Those in the divorce courts do not have unique problems. They are divorcing over the same kinds of conflicts that other couples are working through to mutually acceptable solutions.
The principle of exclusiveness: "one flesh." Unless fidelity and mutual trust are developed, the marriage is on shaky ground. A new relationship of one common life is to be forged from two previously independent lives.
The principle of openness: "naked and not ashamed."There is not only a need for a healthy physical relationship free of inhibitions, but a need for total openness of communication with one another. Without openness, the word intimacy is meaningless in marriage.

There are three dimensional principles. The Bible teaches that man is body, soul, and spirit. The body can cease functioning (death). The soul, or personality, can cease to function properly (psychosis). And the spirit can also be inoperative. To the extent that all three areas function properly in both people, a healthy, maximum marriage will be expressed.

The spiritual principle. The Bible teaches that man is dead in his spirit until he has a spiritual birth or conversion (Eph. 2:1; John 3:1--8). This occurs when an individual recognizes the need to personally accept what Christ accomplished at the cross on his behalf, i.e., Christ's substitutionary death. If one or both of the partners have no spiritual life, one dimension of the marriage is not functioning properly.
The psychological/emotional principle. Meeting one another's emotional needs becomes a vital part of properly meeting one another's physical needs.
The physical principle. The definition of what man is today is responsible for some marital conflict. If man is only biological then sex is only the mating of two animals, whether humans or cocker spaniels. A social "hot dog" may have variety in sex but he can never have intimacy, because his lack of commitment to the other person and the temporary aspect of the relationship prohibits it. The honeymoon is over and sexual compatibility is at its peak when a couple is communicating spiritually and emotionally. Maximum sexual fulfillment is an,accumulation of shared experiences.

There are two functional principles. The husband has certain responsibilities (Eph. 5:23--31).

He is to initiate leadership. He has the God-given responsibility for the home and will ultimately be held accountable. The spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being of the family unit is squarely placed on his shoulders.
He is to initiate love. The husband is commanded in the Bible to love his wife. The wife is never commanded to love her husband, because she will respond with love when he initiates it.

Distortion of these two responsibilities (dictatorship on one hand, passive sentimentality on the other) will produce conflict and personality disorder in the children, who must sort out their sex roles in an abnormal setting. Marriage is God's idea. He wants you to enjoy it. Follow His principles and you are well on your way to a joyful, satisfying marriage.