CHEKA CHEKA NA TUMIKIA

churchill kenya Let us laugh cheka cheka

1. Gari ni injini bwana, lazima ibarikiwe.  2. Nafungua ubariki kila sehemu ya gari maana tatizo la ajari si mimi ila gari ndiyo maana naweka mikono mfukoni. 3. Baba Paroko anabariki gari mpya iliyonunuliwa na wawili hawa 4. basi hawa mda wakuharibu hawana? 5. hata ukilisomea mistari haliamki ng'o 6. baba mungu tafadhali libariki gari hili lisipate ajali wala lisiishe mafuta emeeeen 7. Kanisa ni mahali popote bwana,hapa misa inasongeshwa kama kawa. 8. Kudadadeki,Father huyu anaonekana kuwa bussy ila haya maumini hayako serious hasa hilo la kiume.

Second Chance Base Ball Game

ROAD RAGE 101 A tired and stressed out old lady was tail-gating  a cautious driver down a congested road.  As the law abiding driver is about to cross a busy intersection, the light in front of him turns yellow so he immediately stops at the crosswalk – even though he could have beaten the red light by stepping on the gas.Incensed that the driver in front of her stopped and caused her to miss the chance of getting through the intersection, the tailgating woman goes berserk.  She’s laying on her horn… she is cursing the guy out… she is even flipping him the bird. Just as the crazed woman is in the middle of a experiencing a major self-inflicted coronary, there is a tap on her window.  Looking up she is confronted with the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer orders her to exit the car with her hands up.  He reads the woman her rights and takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed into a holding cell. After several hours, another police officer approaches her cell, opens the door, and escorts the now cooled down, but albeit confused, woman back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal affects. As she collects her items, the officer says, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry for the mistake.  Let me explain. I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, swearing, and flipping the bird at the guy in front of you.  I noticed your ‘Choose Life’ license plate, your ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker and your chrome-plated fish trunk emblem and I naturally assumed that you had stolen the car.” In the Baker's Shop An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, " Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son." Name Change "Mum, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben. "But why would you want to do that, dear ?" said his mum. "Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin !" In the Fire Station Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!" On the Phone Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up. His father said, "Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?" Raj replied, "It was a wrong number." Teasing There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!" The Fiancee After Leslie brought home her fiancee to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God." Talking Clock A young man moved away from his parents to become a student. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the student. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!" The Lamp A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable." Asking to Play George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "can Albert come out to play?" "No," said the mother, "it's too cold." "Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?" The Zoo One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said," It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo." "I wouldn't bother," said father. "If they want him, let them come and get him!"   GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS Pastor Sema Makini got up one Sunday at the Shine and Rise Church of Kiandangai and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." Mommy's Way A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store. "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him. "I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied. Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself. "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again. "Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too." As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction. In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it." Parents Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" The Worms A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." Mommy Ate It For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" The Seagull A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?" His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven." Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?" One-Liner Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download." Coming Downstairs Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?" "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the bannister." White Hair One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" No Sale "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?" The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live." Two-Line Jokes Little Brother: "If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do ?" Boy: "I wouldn't go back to those two places, that's for sure." May: "What position does your brother play in the school football team?" Jay: "I think he's one of the drawbacks!" Big Brother: "That planet over there is Mars." Little Brother: "Then that other one must be Pa's." Father: "I hear you skipped school to play football." Son: "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !" The Day T.D. Jakes Carried Jesus in a limousine and both were Pulled Over By a State Trooper T.D. Jakes (a well-known preacher) was returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas As he prepared  to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. 'You know' he said, 'I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' T.D. Jakes (a well-known preacher) was returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas As he prepared  to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. 'You know' he said, 'I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, 'No problem.   Have at it.' T.D. gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.  The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because  I have stopped a very important person.'   'The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.' The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.' The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?' The young trooper said, I think it's Jesus because he's got T. D. Jakes for a chauffeur!!!!! CHEKA CHEKA NA TUMIKIA CONT. After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from. After a short hesitation, he replied,"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course." A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. Kiguta says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." Waireri says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." Kibungi says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".  The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." DO YOU KNOW WHY I STOPPED YOU? YOU WERE OVERSPEEDING. SIGN HERE. HALLELLUYA.. WE ARE FEEDING FROM THE SOURCE
Check This Loan A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?" You will live to be 80 Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you. MR. MURAKARU'S WIFE Mr. Murakaru speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" The Pill Worked Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" The UPS Driver A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies, "150 dollars." The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back. A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen the UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"  The Creation of Wives Ms. Kiratu was teaching his sunday school class of how God created everything, including human beings. Little Gateru seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Gatru, what is the matter?"(ni kii). Little Gateru responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."		The Crazy Salesman A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?" Rude Awakening We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached. I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Kirinyaga View Cemetery." Mwanasa, Muruwaithwitu and the Devil Mwanasa and Muruwaithewitu were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. Muruwaithewitu said to Mwanasa, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" Mwanasa replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad." The Poorest Pastor Koech was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the Pastor Kweisiero's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And Koech answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!" The Helper A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
The Rejection Letter: Dear Mr. Kipasuka: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.Despite Kama Kawaida Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, Imanimoja wa Moyomoja Arresting Your Own Mother A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."		He Will Never Sleep Again If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room. WILL HE HURT US The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
GOD IS MISSING Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" the boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"		Printer cleaning When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Prospecting for the Lord On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat. Women Should Not Have Children After 35 This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it. Women should not have children after 35! Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!" They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter. I don't care what the doctor says. I don't care what your friends say. I don't even care what your pastor says. Women should not have children after 35! I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it, and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it." You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once. "Women should not have children after 35!" Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said. You may disagree with me, that's your right. I still stand firm on the issue. With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue. If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception. Women should not have children after 35!. 35 children are enough!		A Special Find A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. "With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" A Progressive Church of Village Unions Dictionary...click CHILDREN, CHILDREN, CHILDREN...click here